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MARRIAGE, THINGS TO CONSIDER
BEFORE AND AFTER
SOME WRONG REASONS TO GET MARRIED
CLICK ON NEXT TAB TO ADVANCE SLIDES
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1. Communication is important to us- We love to talk because it makes us feel connected. We need emotional connection and talking is how we get it. Talking also helps us to release our feelings. If we do not talk, we will become overwhelmed by feeling too many feelings. To connect with us, you need to communicate because silence to women, is a sign that something is wrong.
2. We love to feel cared for--We know how good it feels to be cared for from those we have cared for. Women love to be cared for. If a woman is sick, nurture her back to health, bring her some soup and help her with the chores that have been neglected. If a woman is upset, hold her and talk out her feelings with her, this will help her move on to happier feelings. Women also love to be touched in a non sexual way. They love holding hands and to be held and cuddled too. Another way that a woman feels cared for is when a man caters to her. There is something sexy about a man who opens doors for us, runs us a bath and brings dinner to us once in awhile. If you care for a woman in this fashion, she may never doubt your love for her.
3. We love appreciation--We show love for a man through our dedication. Women will do whatever it takes to give men all the comforts of home, such as, cooked meals, clean clothes, companionship, support, and keep the house clean. We work hard to provide you with the comforts of home and would love your appreciation. Please do not take our dedication for granted, please pick up after yourselves and put your dirty clothes in the hamper, otherwise we will feel like your mother instead of your wife, which will cause us act like your mother instead of your wife!
4. Loyalty and respect are important to us--We work so hard to get your loyalty and respect by providing you with intimacy, companionship, emotional support, clean clothes, cooked meals and a clean bed. In order to have a successful relationship, both partners must be loyal and dedicated to each other. Please do not give your loyalty and dedication to another INTEREST, while we are loyal and dedicated to you, as this would be the ultimate betrayal for the years we have spent caring for you.
5. Sexual arousal is different for us-- Sex is different for women, we cannot just jump in bed and have sex. We need to feel emotionally connected to someone before we can have sex with them. We are not sexually aroused by visuals as you are. Looks alone, does nothing for us. To us, sleeping with one, based only on their appearance, is like sleeping with a framed picture. Women are sexually aroused by emotional intimacy and need to be emotionally aroused by their partners.
6. We don't like being controlled- I know the Bible teaches me to submit. Some men think that the only way they can feel powerful is by taking away the power of another. The problem with controlling men is that they use their power to benefit themselves at the expense of women. What good is the power of men if they are the only ones who benefit from it? Men, if you want to feel powerful, why not share your power with us so that we can benefit from it. You will feel more empowered by our appreciation!
7. Why we love to shop.--Women are gatherers. We shop to get things that are necessary to maintain the household, such as food, bath items, linens, cleaning supplies and clothing. Sometimes we go shopping with our friends just to socialize and keep up with the latest trends. If we spend money on ourselves, it is most likely because we want to beautify ourselves for you.
8. We love romance--Women love romance. We loved it when you were pursuing us for a date. You would talk and listen to us, bring us flowers, open the car doors for us and hold our hand. Just because you have won our affections, doesn't mean that you no longer have to romance us. Romance was part of the reason why we were attracted to you in the first place.
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1. I DESPERATLY WANT YOU TO RESPECT ME--Men would rather feel unloved than inadequate and disrespected. Husbands need to know that their wives respect them both privately and publicly. Men who are earnestly and honestly trying to be good husbands, thrive on knowing that their wives respects them: and express this respect in the form of items such as trust, confidence, and admiration. Research indicated that men would rather sense the loss of loving feelings from their wives than to be disrespected by them.
2. I OFTEN FEEL VERY INSECURE--Men are insecure. Men are afraid that they aren't cutting it in life -- not just at work, but at home, in their role as a husband. They may never vocalize this, but inwardly, they are secretly vulnerable. The antidote? Affirmation. To men, affirmation from their wives is everything! If they don't receive this affirmation from their wives, they'll seek it elsewhere. When they receive regular and genuine affirmation from their wives (not flattery, by the way), they become much more secure and confident in all areas of their lives.
3. I URGENTLY FEEL RESPONSIBLE FOR THE FINANCIAL WELL BEING OF MY FAMILY-- Men feel the burden of being the provider for their family. Intellectually, it doesn't matter how much or little a man makes, or whether or not his wife makes more or less money in her career. A man who sincerely desires to do the right thing, simply bear the emotional burden of providing for their family. It's not a burden they've chosen to bear. Men are simply wired with this burden. As such, it is never far from their minds and can result in the feeling of being trapped. While wives cannot release their husbands from this burden, they can relieve it through a healthy dose of appreciation, encouragement and support.
4. I CAN'T EXPLAIN WHY, BUT I CONSTANTLY WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU-- Men want more sex. Everyone's natural response to this is probably, "Duh!" But, that response is probably for the wrong reason. We primarily assume that men want more sex with their wives due to their physical wiring (their "needs"). But, surprisingly, research has shown that the reason men want more sex is because of their strong need to be desired by their wives. Men simply need to be wanted. Regular, fulfilling sex is critical to a man's sense of feeling loved and desired.
5. SEX MEANS MUCH MORE TO ME, THAT MERE PHYSICAL CONTACT, AND RELEASE--Sex means more than sex. When men feel their wives desire them sexually, it has a profound effect on the rest of their lives. It gives them an increasing sense of confidence and well-being that carries over into every other area of his life. The flipside of this coin also carries a profoundly negative affect. When a husband feels rejected sexually, he not only feels his wife is rejecting him physically, but that she is somehow rejecting his life as a husband, provider and man. This is why making sex a priority in marriage is so incredibly important!
6. I AUTOMATICALLY LOOK WITHOUT INTENDING TOO (I'M SORRY)--Men struggle with visual temptation. This means the vast majority of men respond to visual images when it comes to women. And, this doesn't just mean the guys with wandering eyes. Even the most godly husband cannot avoid noticing a woman who dresses in a way that draws attention to her body. Even if it is just a glance, these visual images are stored away in the male brain as a sort of "visual rolodex" that will reappear without any warning. Men can choose whether to dwell on these images and memories or dismiss them, but they can't control when these images appear.
7. I FEAR THAT I WILL FAIL AT ROMANCE--Men enjoy romance, but doubt their skills to be romantic. True, many men appear to be unromantic clods, but it doesn't mean that they want to be that way! Men want to be romantic, but they just doubt their ability to pull it off. They are plagued by internal hesitations, perceiving the risk of humiliation and failure as too high. Wives can do a great deal to increase their husbands' confidence in their romantic skills through encouragement and redefining what romance looks like. For example, a wife may balk when her husband asks her to go along to the hardware store, but it's likely that he's asking because he sees it as a time they can get away as a couple and hang out together. What's not romantic about that?
8. HOW YOU LOOK IN PUBLIC AND PRIVATE IS IMPORTANT TO ME--Men care about their wife's appearance. This isn't saying that all men want their wives to look like the latest supermodel. What men really want is to know that their wives are making an effort to take care of themselves (and not letting themselves go) because it matters to them (the husbands!). Husbands appreciate the efforts their wives make to maintain their attractiveness.
9. I LOVE YOU, BUT FEEL I FAIL AT LETTING YOU KNOW HOW MUCH-- Men want their wives to know how much they love them. A truly caring husband, who honestly want to do the right thing, wants to convey the message "I love you." But many husbands aren't confident in their ability to relay this message to their spouse.
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COMPANIONSHIP-- One of the main intents of marriage (on the part of God) was to provide Adam with companionship. Dr. Norman Wright said, "...within each of us is the hunger for contact, acceptance, belonging, intimate exchange, responsiveness, support, love and the touch of tenderness." A caring partner can fill that need so we do not have to feel lonely. God planned it that way when He created Adam. Genesis 2:18 says, "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him." Simply stated, God made Adam a companion suited for him. Neither a beautiful environment nor a variety of animals would fill the bill. Marriage, right from the start, was to be a relationship based on a mutual, caring companionship. It is not a dictator- doormat relationship. Paul makes this clear when he begins talking about husband and wife relationships by saying "submitting yourselves one to another..." in Ephesians 5:21. True love and marriage is a partnership. It is companionship. In the first unveiling of the marriage bond, God said "It is not good that a man should be alone" - an observation that belongs equally to women. Eve was created a companion for Adam, and vice versa. The Hebrew word for "companion" expresses a close personal relationship. In marriage, a man and a woman are to become intimately united in body, purpose, thoughts and goals -"one flesh". |
All the way back to the time of Adam and Eve, God has always given man laws and ordinances in some form or other. From the very beginning, God gave instructions concerning marriage, which included, who we can be married to, how many persons we can be married to at one time, and the gender of the person we are permitted to marry. Some of the instructions God gave concerning marriage and some of the things he permitted within the marital bond never changed, while some of the other instructions and things God permitted in marriage were changed. There were also some things in marriage God never permitted. In order to get a rightly divided Word from the Bible, we must be willing to accept the whole Word of God, even portions that contradict our own religious traditions and beliefs. This is a very difficult thing for many people to do. This requires honesty, humility, and an acceptance of the Word over our own will, opinions, and ideas.
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IT IS BETTER TO MARRY, THAN TO BURN IN LUST
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As a pastor, my council to those who are single and burning in strong sexual desire, has always the same as that given by the apostle Paul. Paul's advice was, if you find yourself with a strong burning desire for sex, it's best to get married, rather than commit fornication. (I GIVE THIS ADVICE TO THOSE WHO ARE SINGLE, HAVING NEVER BEEN MARRIED AND TO THOSE WHO ARE SINGLE BY VIRTUE OF DIVORCE OR WIDOWHOOD). "2 Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. 9 But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn. 1st Cor 7:2&9. Each of us are sexually different, therefore the need for marriage varies from person to person. This is not to say, that the need for sexual fulfillment should be the only reason why we get married. There are many other factors to consider, but the Bible does clearly show if we want to be sexually active, we need to be married. Some Bible teachers class sexual desire, as a option, rather than a need. This is especially true when it comes to those who are single by reason of divorce. Some who are against remarriage after divorce, tell the single divorcee, that they must remain celibate, and ignore their sexual desires (which for the divorcee, they call evil lust). They tell them to pray these sexual desires off and to focus on God. The Bible on the other hand tells us a completely different story about our sexual desires. It tells us, for many individual, their sexual desires are strong and in reality is a need, which must be met. Paul said, for those who burn with strong sexual passions (which is not in themselves sinful) they need to be MARRIED, (if it is at all possible). Paul also said, for those who have so decreed in themselves to deny themselves sexually, and can live a celibate lifestyle, they have the right to remain single if they so choose. God will show us what category we fit into. 8 I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, it is good for them if they abide even as I. 9 But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn, 1st Cor 7:8-9. |
WILL THEY STAY THE SAME OR WILL THEY FILP?
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As calloused as this might sound, even when a person is displaying all of these positive attributes, we must realistically ask ourselves, if the person is merely putting on an act, and will flip on us later on. Many a person has stated after the wedding, the person they thought they married, was not the person they really married. Sad to say some people do hide a dark side, prior to getting marriage, with the fog of deception quickly dissipating after the "I do's" are said. People put on their best face while courting, then often change after marriage. It's just natural to do so. The image many portray of themselves before marriage is often a far cry from how they really are. The problem becomes a serious problem when the person we choose to marry is hiding a side of themselves which, has a drug/alcohol problem, is emotionally unstable, is abusive, is violent, has hidden negative sexual habits, is domineering, is dishonest, and the like. Oftentimes when we are caught up in the excitement of courtship, and the wedding, these negative personality traits and habits, often through pretense, and manipulative presentation of ones self are often hidden and camouflaged. In the words of one writer "Weddings are joyous affairs. When those time-honored vows are exchanged, most participants and guests tend to go brain dead and for that moment believe that the marriage they are witnessing will be happily ever after. All the world loves a lover, and we feel wonderful to be caught up in love's romantic ideal. Few of us consider that we, or someone we care about, will end up being one more divorce statistic. In our hearts, we root to beat the odds. We want winners. We know the grave statistics on divorce". We know that a successful marriage is hard to come by, and many people flip after they get married. But at that special moment we don't believe in anything but eternal happiness (what we see is what we get). But, the dark side of marriage does exist, people don't always present themselves as they really are (or even close to how they really are).
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UNDERSTANDING EACH OTHER'S NEEDS IS CRITICAL
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It is not the couples who are most physically attractive, or most romantically inclined, or even those who claim to have a great sex life, who have the best marriages, but rather it's those couples who best understand their biblically assigned roles and walk in it which have the best marriages. According to experts a study of marriage in history reveals that long-lasting marriages are generally those which are more "role" oriented than "romance" oriented. Couples who marry with a clear understanding of their biblical roles, and have as their primary purpose to carry them out, are generally happier in marriage than those who marry in order to simply get their needs met. There is nothing wrong with desiring to have ones needs met in marriage, but the main focus of a husband and wife, should be to meet the other ones needs. These needs does include sex, but go way beyond sexual needs alone. *Dr. Willard Harley in his book His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage provides some very insightful advice, concerning the needs of the husband and the wife. We used his comments as a pattern in our above illustrations.
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HOW DOES GOD VIEW SHACKING UP?
| There is a growing problem in our western society involving couples simply living together out of wedlock. This used to be called "shacking up" and those who thus practiced shacking up were looked upon by most in our society as the "lower class without morals." However, society has redefined shacking up with fancy names such as "cohabitation" and has for the most part, now mostly decided to approve of it. However, the biblical consequences and harm to adults, children, and to family structure, do not vanish simply because society has lowered its moral standards. Couples who shack up, give many different reasons why they do so, (compare below). |
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In the words of Christopher Kaczor "We probably all know neighbors, family members, and acquaintances living together without benefit of marriage. 'Living in sin' as it was once called is a reason some people leave the Church; it certainly causes people to question the Church. After all in light of its teachings on divorce, shouldn't the Church allow those contemplating marriage a chance to test their relationship by living together? Living together before marriage seems not only morally unproblematic (no victim, no crime), but would appear to provide the ideal testing grounds for determining whether or not a marriage will really work out. Marriage is so important you shouldn't rush into it without prior experience of living together. Cohabitation is a dress rehearsal for marriage, one that allows the couple to realistically discern whether a marriage would work. Thus, living together before the wedding helps insure a stable marriage, helps lower divorce rates, and helps families in the long run to be more stable. Others justify cohabitation as a relationship enhancing circumstance. The opinion of many couples today is, "People should stay together out of love, not because of some legal agreement." There are many reasons given as to why many couples choose to live together, outside the marital bond. Our society today is much more accepting of these live in relationships, than they were in times past. While it's true that our society, is now more accepting these relationship, with many today viewing these types of live together relationship as being on the same level as couples who are legally married, God has no such view, God has not changed guidelines and instructions concerning this matter. No matter how many couples are living together God still says in his word it should not be done. The Bible clearly tells us, in the sight of God, marriage is very honorable, and sexual intercourse between a husband and wife, is ordained and blessed by God, The argument is made: "Although we have not been officially married, we have agreed between ourselves to be married, so actually we are already married." This idea is contrary to the Scriptures. In the Bible a marriage always takes place according to certain norms of society and always involves other people who serve as witnesses. A marriage is an occurrence before God and before man. A Christian is obligated to abide by the laws of the society in which he lives to the extent that they do not conflict with the laws of God. Paul says: "Let every soul be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and the authorities that exist are appointed by God. Therefore whoever resists the authority resists the ordinance of God, and those who resist will bring judgment on themselves" (Rom. 13:1,2). |
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