When God first instituted marriage, He did so with certain goals in mind for the man and woman He created.  These were positive goals which were intended to bestow upon Adam and Eve companionship and fulfillment.  Today many marriages have fallen woefully short of what God intended.  There are two components in regards to marriage.  One components, has to do with the state of marriage, (the fact you are married).   The other aspect has to do with the conduct within the state of marriage.  Many couples who make this initial step, of entering into the state of marriage, often do so without giving much serious thought, concerning the second aspects of marriage, which is ones, conduct. God considers both the vow to enter the state of marriage and the vow to conduct, ones self properly to be equally binding.  Today more and more people are seeking to obtain companionship, emotional and sexual fulfillment in ways outside of God's guidelines.  Thus the very institution of marriage itself is under attack.  Leading the charge is man's insatiable appetite for and pursuit of sexual involvement of every kind and description. Dr. David Allen tells us, " In order for a society which is quickly falling away from the most basic institution, the rightness of a committed marital bond, to justify it's fall, the institution of marriage must be dismantled.  This militant anti-Christian attack on marriage, as ordained by God,  has infiltrated every sphere and stratum of our society. It is attacked by comedians, soap operas, and by modern militant feminism which seeks to rid itself of every maternal and wifely instinct. Marriage is under attack by those who consider it to be an antiquated piece of Victoriana which can now be dispensed with by our more enlightened and liberated age. Contrary to the negative views some may have of marriage, The Bible tells us that marriage was not an invention of man. God instituted marriage.                                                                                                                                                     

 

According to God's plan, man and woman together were to form the unit of humanity from which life flows. A man or a woman alone is only part of an entirety. "And the Lord God said, 'It is not good that man should be alone; (Gen. 2:18).  One of the greatest presentations of all time was the day, when God presented Eve to Adam.  Adam received his wife as a gift from God. In a sense it is still true that a man (who has a God awareness) realizes that his wife was by God's design made for him, and he for her. Solomon says: "Houses and riches are an inheritance from fathers, But a prudent wife is from the Lord" (Proverbs 19:14).  We also see that marriage is good. Solomon says in another place: "He who finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtains favour from the Lord" (Proverbs 18:22). Verses such as these clearly shows us that marriage is something that God esteems very highly.  Thus we can say that God bestows favor upon marriages; but, of course, that favor must be found through BOTH partners in a marriage walking in the faith and faithfulness that arises from recognizing that the relationship is, indeed a GOOD thing, and cooperating with God's purposes on a daily basis to provide blessings for both parties. When men and women refuse to conduct themselves in marriage as God would have, them to,  this can lead to many problems.   The key to a mutually positive marital experience is closely linked to proper conduct on the part of both parties.

Sometimes when a marriage has digressed to the point that a couple are no longer effectively communicating, one or both of them may feel they need outside help. Marriage counseling is the most common way people turn to when all else fails. A common reason why many couples don't go to marriage counseling is because one of them is willing and the other refuses. The unwilling partner can offer a pile of excuses for not going. Typical excuses include  "I'm not going to have someone tell me what to do," "we can work it out ourselves if you'd just listen to me," "the counselors marriage probably isn't any better than ours," "counseling doesn't work," "I don't have time," etc.  There is some debate, as to whether or not marriage counseling or reading books such as this one helps.  There is no concrete answer to this question. Marriage counseling and reading books on improving ones marriage, may work for some.  While for others it may only be a waste of time and money. The key to making marriage counseling work is the effort you and your spouse put into the sessions with your counselor. If you and your spouse have a deep friendship and genuine love and affection for each other but are still having problems, counseling, can help improve or save the marriage.  Of course you and your spouse have to go into marriage counseling willingly and with an open mind in order for it to be any benefit to you. Your counselor can only offer you advice based on the information you give them and while they are willing to act as a referee at times, you and your spouse have to have the desire to take the advice you are given and put it to practical use. 

 

Bob Trowbridge tells us,   "A good marriage counselor can help a couple who want to make changes and heal their relationship. If one or both do not really want to save the marriage, no marriage counselor (OR BOOK) can change that. The problem with most couples is that they only see a marriage counselor when the relationship is too far gone. The purpose for the counseling is not to save the marriage but to show one another and friends and family that they tried. They have already decided to split and the marriage counseling is just a necessary formality." Marriage counseling and/or reading this book, without commitment will not work. A very common problem is that one spouse is much more eager than the other to put forth the effort, (counseling, book reading, etc) than the other. Furthermore, the spouse whose commitment level is on the lower end, agrees to attend counseling only as a way of appeasing their mate. The most important thing needed to improve or save a marriage, is the will to do it. However, (this cannot be overstressed)  the will has to come from both spouses.

Experts in the field tells us, that for those couples who seek counseling in regards to their marital circumstances, there are certain reoccurring situational themes. Jay Slupesky, A well established marriage councilor and family therapist was asked the following question.  What are some of the most common problems that motivate couples to attend marriage counseling?  We will paraphrase his answers, with some of our observations. 

 

An Affair. One spouse has been caught or has admitted to cheating. This is devastating, of course, and sometimes ends the marriage.  Sometimes the affair which caused stressed on the marriage was not sexual in nature, but rather it was an emotional affair. But some couples want to work through it, and so they come to counseling.

 

Money Issues.  Numerous studies have shown that money is the No. 1 reason why couples argue ? and many of the recently divorced say those battles were the main reason why they untied the knot.

 

Blended family issues. This occurs most often when one of the spouses has been married before and has kids from that marriage. If the kids are at least near teens or teens, there can be trouble between them and the stepparent which then becomes trouble in the marriage.

Porn addiction. This is becoming a bigger issue due to the easy availability of pornography on the Internet. This addiction is having a devastating affect on many marriage. They sometimes can hide it for a while, but eventually the problem surfaces.

 

Stage-of-life crisis.  I see this more often in women than in men, believe it or not. The most common case is that of a woman who was a stay-at-home mom but who has something of an identity crisis when the youngest child leaves home. She frequently makes some significant life changes at this point and may re-evaluate whether or not she wants to stay married.

 

Communication problems. Many couples don't know how to express their feelings to each other in a healthy way.   Others don't see the necessity to communicate. At one extreme, they may argue constantly. At the other extreme, both people keep their feelings to themselves. Neither option is good.