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Things to consider before getting married
DO I UNDERSTAND MY ROLE WITHIN THE MARITAL BOND? ---Research has found that couples who have the most fulfilling marriages, are not the following.... 1. Couples who are most financially well off, 2. Couples who are most physically attractive, 3. Couples who say they have a great sex life. As surprising as this may sound, in the long run, the couples who have the best marital relationships, are the couples who best understand their divinely assigned marital role and and honestly seeks to walk in it.
By divine design we were created to fulfill certain roles in life: These roles include first of all, positive interaction with our divine creator, and secondly positive interaction with each other. it is only as we walk in these assigned roles that we can find fullness in life.
Understanding one's marital role is critical- Research has found that couples who have the most fulfilling marriages, are not the following.... 1. Couples who are most financially well off, 2. Couples who are most physically attractive, 3. Couples who say they have a great sex life. As surprising as this may sound, in the long run, the couples who have the best marital relationships, are the couples who best understand their divinely assigned marital role and and honestly seeks to walk in it.
Compare these words of Christ, " 4 And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, 5 And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?" Matt 19:4-5.
By divine design we were created to fulfill certain roles within the bonds of marriage: These roles include first of all, positive interaction with our divine creator, and secondly positive interaction with each other. it is only as we walk in these assigned roles that we can fine fullness in life.
According to experts a study of marriage in history reveals that long-lasting marriages are generally those which are more "role" oriented than "romance" oriented. Couples who marry with a clear understanding of their biblical roles, and have as their primary purpose to carry them out, are generally happier in marriage than those who marry in order to simply get their needs met.
There is nothing wrong with desiring to have ones needs met in marriage. But it is important that along with getting one's needs met, it's critical to understand our role, (as intended by God). There are many couples who after marriage, find themselves struggling to understand, how to mutually fulfill their roles, in a complementary way.
From the very beginning up to this present day, God has had positive and blessed intents, in regards to marriage. Marriage, right from the start, was to be a relationship based on a mutual, caring companionship.
Simply stated, in all of God's creation, (before Eve) there was a void and empty place, in the life of Adam. God made Adam a companion suited for him, which in turn allowed the two of them to provide mutual companionship.
True love and marriage is a partnership. It is companionship. In the first unveiling of the marriage bond, God said "It is not good that a man should be alone" an observation that belongs equally to women. Eve was created a companion for Adam, and vice versa. The Hebrew word for "companion" expresses a close personal relationship. In marriage, a man and a woman are to become intimately united in body, purpose, thoughts and goals -"one flesh".
Some have learned when it was too late, that the relationship they have committed themselves to, in the name of love, was not love at all, but merely a case of intense sexual desire. Many young people in our society today, become blinded to reason. Due to the fact that they get lost in the euphoria of the intense sexuality of a new relationship.
As great as sex is, if sex is the main binding force in a relationship (a situation referred to as the Lust/sex benefits only scenario) and other critical areas of the relationship are going lacking, it is only a matter of time before frustration will set in. It is God's will that couples come together in a marital relationship, which is well balanced.
Our younger generation today has become so sexualized, that for many today they assume that good sex will fix a bad relationship. After marriage, as the couple realizes, that there are more rooms in the house besides the bedroom, the need to express love in other ways becomes obvious. Many situations will arise in a marriage, which simply having sex, won't fix, repair, or address. We all know it's possible to have sex without love. If there is a difference between sex and love, why are the two often confused?
For example, when people speak of sexual intercourse they sometimes refer to it as "making love." Or, a young man may try to pressure his girlfriend into having sex with him by saying, "If you love me, you'd have sex with me. A question every young person who is thinking about marriage should ask, (and those who are married", is what the difference between love and sexual desire is. Love and sex is NOT the same thing. Love is an emotion or a feeling.
There is no one definition of love because the word "love" can mean many different things to many different people. Sex, on the other hand, is a biological event. It should be kept in mind, as good as sex is, there are many things, in a relationship sex will not fix. Many young people today, who enter a relationship, often confuse strong sexual desire with love, there is a difference.
One of the main intents of marriage (on the part of God) was to provide Adam and Eve with companionship. Dr. Norman Wright said, "...within each of us is the hunger for contact, acceptance, belonging, intimate exchange, responsiveness, support, love and the touch of tenderness." A caring partner can fill that need so we do not have to feel or be alone.
Long before God gave the ten commandments and other guidelines that said “thou shalt not”. God’s first instructions to Adam and Eve was, “ENJOY.” Charge them that are rich in this world, that they be not highminded, nor trust in uncertain riches, but in the living God, who giveth us richly all things to enjoy; 1st Tim 6:17. When God created Adam and Eve He placed them in the most perfect setting possible. In Eden God placed everything needed for the enjoyment of sexual intercourse to the highest.
Even though God intended for marriage to be a continual blessing, there are wrong reason to get married. The wrong reasons can in some cases doom our marriage from the start. Compare below. CLICK TAB BELOW TO ADVANCE SLIDES
WILL THEY STAY THE SAME OR WILL THEY FILP?
As calloused as this might sound, even when a person is displaying all of these positive attributes, we must realistically ask ourselves, if the person is merely putting on an act, and will flip on us later on. Many a person has stated after the wedding, the person they thought they married, was not the person they really married.
Sad to say some people do hide a dark side, prior to getting marriage, with the fog of deception quickly dissipating after the "I do's" are said. People put on their best face while courting, then often change after marriage. It's just natural to do so. The image many portray of themselves before marriage is often a far cry from how they really are.
The problem becomes a serious problem when the person we choose to marry is hiding a side of themselves which, has a drug/alcohol problem, is emotionally unstable, is abusive, is violent, has hidden negative sexual habits, is domineering, is dishonest, and the like.
Oftentimes when we are caught up in the excitement of courtship, and the wedding, these negative personality traits and habits, often through pretense, and manipulative presentation of ones self are often hidden and camouflaged.
In the words of one writer "Weddings are joyous affairs. When those time-honored vows are exchanged, most participants and guests tend to go brain dead and for that moment believe that the marriage they are witnessing will be happily ever after.
All the world loves a lover, and we feel wonderful to be caught up in love's romantic ideal. Few of us consider that we, or someone we care about, will end up being one more divorce statistic. In our hearts, we root to beat the odds. We want winners. We know the grave statistics on divorce".
We know that a successful marriage is hard to come by, and many people flip after they get married. But at that special moment we don't believe in anything but eternal happiness (what we see is what we get). But, the dark side of marriage does exist, people don't always present themselves as they really are (or even close to how they really are).
IS THIS LOVE OR LUST LUST??---- Most young men and women are attracted to the dating scene for different reasons. #1. Young women are often looking for the security of emotional support and that feeling of being cherished by one person - being someone's "one and only"! #2. Young men are often looking for an outlet for their growing physical desires and sexual urges. This is not to say that young men don't desire, emotional conectiviness, they do, but for most young men their strongest drive is their sex drive.
THE TRAGIC STORY OF AMNON AND TAMAR--The story of Amnom and Tamar shows confusing lust with love, can lead to heartache and tragedy. Tamar had a half brother by the name of Amnon who felt that he had a strong love for her. He could not get her out of his mind. 1 And it came to pass after this, that Absalom the son of David had a fair sister, whose name was Tamar; and Amnon the son of David loved her. 2And Amnon was so vexed, that he fell sick for his sister Tamar; for she was a virgin; and Amnon thought it hard for him to do anything to her. 2ND Sam 13:1-2.
Amnon felt overcome with emotions, his love for Tamar was all he could think about. Day after day he thought of her, thinking, that he could not be with her. Finally a cunning and devious friend came up with a plan. He told him to play sick and have her come into his chamber alone to feed him. Therefore Amnon called for her, and she did come with the intent of nursing him back to health. Once he got her alone he sought to lay with her, she resisted.
She pleaded with him to not force himself on her. She told him that she was willing to marry him, if he would but ask the king for her hand in marriage. 12 And she answered him, Nay, my brother, do not force me; for no such thing ought to be done in Israel: do not thou this folly. 13 And I, whither shall I cause my shame to go? and as for thee, thou shalt be as one of the fools in Israel. Now therefore, I pray thee, speak unto the king; for he will not withhold me from thee. 2nd Sam 13:12-13. Amnon was sure that what he felt for Tamar was a strong burning love, little did he realize just how wrong and confused he was. (compare below)
Amnon did not realized that he had confused strong lust with strong love. Tamar sought to reason with hin but he would not listen. He felt that he was so overcome with love for her, that he could not contain himself. Therefore he being stronger than her he raped her. 14 Howbeit he would not hearken unto her voice: but, being stronger than she, forced her, and lay with her.
The moment he got what he wanted, his so called loved for her (which was really sexual lust) turned into hatred, so much so that he publicly humiliated her by throwing her out of his chamber. 15 Then Amnon hated her exceedingly; so that the hatred wherewith he hated her was greater than the love wherewith he had loved her. And Amnon said unto her, Arise, be gone. 16 And she said unto him, There is no cause: this evil in sending me away is greater than the other that thou didst unto me. But he would not hearken unto her. 17 Then he called his servant that ministered unto him, and said, Put now this woman out from me, and bolt the door after her.
Many today mainly follow the leadings of their strong carnal desires, which is commonly known as "LUST." Today there seems to be a abandonment of the pursuit of true love and commitment, in lieu of the pursuit of strong carnal desires. In an article written by Duncan Moore he discusses the difference between love and lust, we quote, "To understand the Bible's view of sex we must understand the difference between love and lust.
Love honors, values and seeks the best for the beloved. It focuses on the other person. It's selfless, sacrificial and inseparable from commitment. Lust, on the other hand, seeks to use things or people to meet its needs and gratify its desires. It focuses inward on itself, is inherently selfish, and rejects commitment. Love and lust are opposites.
SHOULD WE MOVE IN TOGETHER BEFORE MARRIAGE?
There is a growing trend in our western society involving couples simply living together out of wedlock. Our modern society has redefined "shacking up" with fancy names such as "cohabitation" and has for the most part, now mostly decided to approve of it. It appears that women may be some of the leaders in the cohabitation movement. In times past, women, as a rule, used to want and demanded the security of marriage, and the security of having a man in charge.
The rise of feminism has gradually changed this mindset, in many women. The growth of cohabitation is closely associated with the rise of feminism. Traditional marriage, both in law and in practice, typically involved male leadership. With many women today claiming their liberation, from what they view as old fashioned ideas, shacking up in has more and more became an acceptable option to marriage.
Many women feel being in a live is relationship proves they are self sufficient enough to not need the security of the marital bond. For some women, cohabitation seemingly allows them to avoid this so called chain of command and authority.
Being in a live in relationship, in the mindset of some women, grants more personal autonomy and equality in the relationship. Moreover, the women's shift into the labor force and their growing economic independence make marriage less necessary and, for some, less desirable.
Since the advent of the birth control pill, women now feel they have more control over their bodies. As a result, they are more at ease to in a live in situation, and being sexually involved, without any apprehensions about getting pregnant. Thus many women who cohabitate, become offended, at those who imply, that they are being taken advantage of in these live in relationships.
They are offended, because in their mind, because of their new liberation, they are now a equal partner in this live in relationship, being just as intelligent, self sufficient, and strong as their male counterpart. Couples in these live in relationships, give many different reasons why they do so, (compare below).
When one researcher asked those who were in a live in situation, what the main goal was for these arrangements, men and women gave very different reasons. The women he interviewed said living with their boyfriend was the first step towards getting married. When males were asked the same question they said it was mainly for sex and convenience. Men often enter the relationship with less intention to marry than do women.
They may regard it more as a sexual opportunity without the ties of long-term commitment. Women, however, often see the living arrangement as a step toward eventual marriage. So while the women may believe they are headed for marriage, the man has other ideas. Some men actually resent the women they live with and view them as easy and of little worth. Such a woman is not his idea of a faithful marriage partner.
Some men who are not married, and don't want to be, but want all the emotional and sexual benefits of marriage, tend to speak of marriage in a negative way. They can be heard to say, "Marriage changes nothing, it's no big deal. What does it matter?" In the words of Christopher Kaczor "I am not impressed with the "guy argument." I say the "guy argument" because it is usually men who make it. But those who make this argument know the truth. If marriage changes nothing, then why are people (usually men) so reluctant to do it?
If it is "no big deal," then why not get married if one partner wants to? I wish that those who hear from their partners that marriage is "no big deal" would respond: "Great. If you feel that way, then it should be no big deal for you to let me have my way in such a trivial, insignificant matter." Marriage is a big deal, for men and for women, because public promises are much different from private ones. It is one thing to pledge "eternal love" alone, at night, in the back seat of the car, during stolen moments of passion. It is another entirely to say the same sorts of things in the bright of day, before God and man.
The cost for many women who delay marriage
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